Inspiration Of Courage
by Tadpoleinateacup
Summary: Harry misses those he lost and blames himself for their early deaths. Meanwhile his friends are trying to move on. It seems all he needs is a little push in the right direction and maybe a little inspiration to forgive himself and be happy. Rated T for talk of suicide.


_**Has not been proof read and was not spell check because I was on note pad not word.**_

**Inspiration of Courage **

Ron and Hermione watch me constantly. They can tell something isn't quite right with me. They just can't figure out what it is exactly. They don't understand how I feel. No one does. It makes it so hard, being so alone. They try at least, to understand. But they can't. I feel so alone. Even in a room full of people I know care about me I feel like it isn't enough because they can't understand what it's like being me and having been in the situations I've been in. I want to cry and scream and hit things... but I can't. I can't muster up the energy those kinds of actions would require. So instead I sit around with a fake smile plastered to my face and pretend I'm okay, pretend everything is fine and that the weight of the Wizarding World doesn't still sit on my shoulders.

They don't understand that just because I killed Voldemort three years ago didn't mean my life was finally perfect. I still had to bury my dead friends and people I considered family. I still wake up every night in a cold sweat from nightmares where I watch them die over and over and can do nothing. And then all the smiling I had to pretend to do as I received reward after reward. I was congratulated and held on a pedestal I didn't deserve because when it mattered most I couldn't save the people that had saved the people I cared about. I failed.

At least that's what it feels like. And I know no one blames me for all those people's deaths. How could they? But that doesn't really matter when I already blame myself so much. I fall asleep crying more nights then not. The tears never seem to end.

And Ron and Hermione know. But they don't know how to help. Most of the time I can see they want to help but know they can't so they try and forget instead... or distract me somehow. But they don't get that I can't forget because the second I'm alone... it also means I'm alone with my thoughts, which are never far away from despair and pain.

And I wish it would end. I wish I could go back and change it. Or maybe I wish I had the strength to join those that are gone. I've been called a hero for so long now, and I wish I believed them. They call me brave and courageous, but I don't feel that way, and it's not what I see when I look into a mirror. All I can see is a little boy, forced to be a man, who failed. I wish so hard that I could go to my bathroom with a knife and just end all the pain.

But I can't, I'm not strong enough, or maybe I don't feel deserving. If I kill myself I'm running from the despair I deserve for letting someone like Collin Creevey die, or Fred, or even Lavender. If I kill myself what would they say when I got to the other side. I'm sure they wouldn't be overjoyed. Severus would probably sneer at me and tell me I'm a selfish little whelp who doesn't deserve love. And I would be inclined to agree.

And I couldn't bare the look on my parent's faces. Them sneering as they yell at me, they gave their lives for me and I can't even stay on earth and take the punishment I deserved for not being able to save the others.

And Sirius... Gods, that scares me most of all. The spell was meant for me and instead he died. And it's my fault and it's my sin and I can't atone for it.

And I'm crying again. Tears stream down my face, and the feeling is so constant I barely notice it sometimes. I barely notice anything anymore unless I'm doing my great pretending act. The one where I pretend to be happy for Ron and Hermione so they can be happy. They deserve that after putting up with me for so many years, for still putting up with me.

And I'm so tired. And I wish I could sleep, but I'm so scared to see the dead faces of my friends looking at me with blame and hatred. I usually don't sleep until my body literally just passes out from exhaustion.

"Harry."...

"Harry, wake up my beautiful baby boy. It's time for you to understand something." I can feel gentle fingers slide over my cheek. They feel soft and warm and kind. My eyes flutter open to find the source of the tenderness.

And when I find it I nearly choke on the air. It's my mom... "Mum?"

"Hello sweetheart." Her smile is more beautiful then I remembered. And as I look around I see smiles from all the people who usually look at me with hatred in my dreams.

And they are all smiling at me with love in their eyes. "What's going on?"

"We hear you baby, and we understand. And we don't blame you. We've been watching you all these years and we've been trying to do this for a long while now, but unable. We are sorry you've had to suffer all these years without knowing the truth.

"What are you talking about?" I blink and look around at everyone smiling at me. Real honest smiles, not the slightly grateful, sometimes cheap smiles the rest of the real world give me.

"We wanted to tell you something, all of us, but we weren't able to until now." Mum smiles at me as she pulls me in for a hug before standing up so that my Dad can take her place.

"You've been so sad, and we want to help Harry. We've been watching you and hearing you for the last three years. And we want to tell you the truth. You see Harry if you had killed yourself we would have been angry, you're right. But it's not for the reasons you think. The thing is Harry, we wouldn't have been mad because of shame or something like that, but because we only want you to be happy."

"You have so much life still to live Cub. And you should be living it instead of sitting around feeling so sad." Sirius smiled at Harry as he wrapped his arm around Remus' shoulder.

"Harry, you're smarter then I gave you credit for, you should have realized we would not blame you for our deaths. Some of us were ready for it long before it happened. I myself was grateful. I had only wanted to see your Mother again. And now I get to see her every day. I get to spend the rest of eternity in her presence and the presence of those I respected that I had lost." Severus is speaking to me. He is being kind and again I find myself crying. But I'm not sad this time. Instead I'm so happy.

"I miss you all so much it sometimes feels like I can't breathe. I try to be happy but it's so hard when I miss you all so much. And everyone else is moving on with their lives and all I can do is think of you all, and I feel so alone."

"You're never alone Harry. We are always with you even when you don't know it. We love you and no one can take that away from you." Remus smiled at me with shining honey eyes, which no longer looked haunted and pained.

"Move on with your life. You don't have to forget us, but you don't have to dwell on our memories either. You're allowed to be happy to my beautiful son. I want that for you in whatever form it comes in."

"Harry you can be married to two men for all we care." Tonks laughs at the timid smirk that sneaks up on my lips.

"You just can't be so sad anymore." Dad ruffles my hair. And for the millionth time I wish he had always been there, as I grew up, and even after.

Suddenly they all stop as a tinkling sound rings trough the space we were in. It sounds like a hundred little bells dancing.

"We're running out of time my dear. We have to go. But don't be sad. We are always watching you, and never judging you. We only want for you to be happy and healthy. So no more nightmares and no more crying of sadness." They all hug me, one at a time, even Severus. And I can't help but cry, but it's not really because I'm sad, of course I don't want them to go, but it's more because I'm so happy that I don't have to feel alone anymore.

It's been three years since that night, and it's funny how much that night changed me. Its weird how different being happy can make you. I even fell in love. It's funny it's like Tonks knew or something. And she wasn't exactly right it wasn't _two_ men but it was a man.

"Harry hurry the fuck up or Granger will kill me and then I'm going to make you sleep on the couch."

"I'm sorry but I have to grab a jacket!" I run down the stairs. "I thought Slytherin's were supposed to be patient?" I smile to myself as I kiss Draco.

"Not when their life is on the line. And Granger will defiantly kill me if we are late again. She always blames me."

"Usually it's your fault! If you didn't care so much about your hair..."

"It wouldn't be an issue if you didn't enjoy grabbing it so much, or attacking me when we have somewhere to be." He mumbles the last bit under his breath.

"I don't recall you complaining."

"It's hard to complain when I'm making love to you. You're arse is tighter then Grangers lips when she has a secret."

"Those are not two images I ever wanted to associate together. Thank you for that love."

It's safe to say that night with the people I love changed my life. I left the house and did things and talked to people without it feeling forced. And I fell hopelessly in love with Draco Malfoy of all people, and he caught me and didn't let go.

I wish I could see them again if only to thank them for the gift they gave me that night. Just because someone's a hero doesn't mean they can always do it alone. Sometimes they need inspiration for courage.

~End~

_**I've been feeling a bit melancholy lately. I can't seem to be really happy for more than an hour. And that's probably why I'm not writing as much as I would like. And that's definitely why the first half of this was so weirdly sad. **_

_**Actually I wanted the whole story to be sad, but I can't bring myself to do that I guess. Oh well. Hope you liked it.**_

_**EDIT: if for some weird reason you are reading this again then it's now edited and I'm embarrassed with how crap-tastic the spelling and grammar was before. Sorry! That's what I get for using a computer that doesn't have spell check!**__**  
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